Does suffering make you a better person?

Does going through a traumatic event like the death of a parent, a debilitating illness, or a painful divorce make us better people? Many religions and cultures see value in suffering.

For example, the Buddhists believe life causes suffering — it’s the cycle of samsara: Birth, life, death, and rebirth. Authors like C.S. Lewis, who wrote Alice in Wonderland, have said “a life of happiness brings complacency, and suffering wakes us up.” And the old maxim from philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche: “What does not destroy me, makes me stronger,” has become a popular saying in our present-day culture. Even the pop singer Kelly Clarkson wrote a billboard hit song titled “Stronger” that was inspired by Nietzsche’s phrase.

But is any of it true?

Richard Tedeschi, professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina in Charlotte, is one of the founders of the theory called post-traumatic growth. He says that some people who go through trauma discover a better understanding of themselves and the world around them. He reasons that trauma can help people relate to others, have a better understanding of themselves, and even appreciate life.

But psychologist Eranda Jayawickmere says it’s not that simple. Jayawickmere, who researches and teaches leadership and character development at Wake Forest University says traumatic events don’t necessarily make us better people. Instead, how we process that trauma determines who we become later.

For example, Jayawickmere studied survivors of the 30-year civil war in Sri Lanka, his homeland. During the civil war, thousands of people were killed, including civilians. In his research, he did a quantitative study of 50 survivors of the war. These survivors had gone through severe suffering such as sexual violence, being imprisoned multiple times, and being tortured in many disturbing ways. Jayawickmere asked these survivors what their daily life was after experiencing those traumatic events. He found that instead of thriving, many were suffering.

Some survivors tried coping by practicing religious rituals. Other survivors focused on staying busy and having a job. It was important for them to have something to do with their time so that it distracted them from their pain.

In his research, Jayawickmere was interested in trying to measure post-traumatic growth. He used the post-traumatic growth inventory, which assesses five areas of growth:

• Feeling a greater appreciation for life

• Believing there are new possibilities because of the trauma you endured

• Thinking you have a greater sense of personal strength than you had before the trauma

• Increasing your religious faith after the traumatic experience

• Assessing whether the quality of your relationships has changed

What he found while using this framework was that people don’t necessarily know why they changed. Generally, psychologists want a definitive answer for whether adversity leads to change in people when in reality what leads to growth is not always clear, he says.

@jareenimam Does trauma make us stronger? @jareenimam #selfgrowthjourney #personaldevelopmentjourney #understandingyourself #overcomingsetbacks #selfhealingjourney #personalgrowthtiktok ♬ Cornfield Chase - Hans Zimmer

In an interview on the Hidden Brain podcast, Jayawickmere says that pain and suffering can help reveal who we already are on the inside. It’s like a catalyst that helps us uncover our courage, perseverance, grittiness, empathy, and resilience.

Learning about how trauma affects us made me reflect on my past. When I was 10 years old, my father died suddenly. To this day, it remains the most traumatic and painful event of my life. My father’s death brought me great stress, unhappiness, uncertainty, and fear. And through that pain, which lasted for many years, I do believe I grew significantly, not because I wanted to, but because I had to. For example, I felt compelled to excel in school because it was clear to me that it would be a lot harder for me to go to college. After all, my family took a significant financial hit after my father’s death.

But before my father’s death, I was already a stellar student. I loved learning and creating. I don’t think my father dying made me any smarter or motivated me as a student. Research shows traumatic events suffered as a child can stunt your learning and cognitive ability.

So, am I a better person because my father died? Probably not. Rather, I think I’m just a different person than I may have been if he were still alive.

Does suffering bring hope?

Saint Paul says in the book of Romans that “suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.” I’d like to believe that despite our suffering, people generally remain hopeful that better things will come along. Hope keeps us going.

For instance, when I had my first breakup in college with my long-term high school boyfriend, I was miserable. I could barely eat. I stopped socializing with my girls. I’d sob throughout the night in my freshman dorm room. I barely survived my first year at college because I was so depressed. My dormmates were distraught by my heartbreak. They tried to distract me after class with walks on the quad, episodes of Sex in the City, buttery pastries from the cafeteria, and stories of their own horrible boyfriends.

When I was alone, I’d find myself spiraling into a state of despair. I’d think about how this is the worst heartbreak I’ve ever felt. But I’d also remind myself that I had survived other painful experiences, so I could certainly survive this — and that gave me hope.

Finding resilience

Also, we’re not as fragile as we think. Psychologist George A. Bonanno writes in his book The End of Trauma that we’re more resilient than we think when it comes to enduring traumatic experiences. Many people go through traumatic experiences, but not all of us develop PTSD. Therefore, Bonanno argues that resiliency is a common throughline in the human experience.

Sometimes, painful experiences are inevitable, random, and callous. It can feel unfair, especially when those around you are fine and unscathed. I’m not going to say painful experiences make you a better person because I don’t believe that. But I do believe we’re stronger than we realize.

But that doesn’t mean you should navigate suffering alone. If you’re going through something painful, I urge you to try to find support. I survived my father’s death because of my brother and my mom. I survived my breakups because of my friends.

I’ve found it’s easier to gain strength, build resilience, and be the best version of yourself when you have friends and allies by your side.