Is being ambitious attractive?
When I turned 30, I started getting a lot of unsolicited theories from friends and family about why I’m still unmarried. The theories ranged from: “you’re too career-oriented” to “you’re too busy.” At first, I didn’t pay much attention to people’s theories – until I started dating again. Many people I went on dates with would say similar things after the first few weeks of dating, such as “It seems like you aren’t going to have enough time for me” or “I’m not looking for someone so ambitious.”
It was clear there was a very specific quality about me that turned men off, and that was my ambition. I used to think it was good when someone said: “You’re so ambitious,” but whether you’re navigating the arena of love or you’re climbing the corporate ladder, being seen as too ambitious can actually be seen as a bad thing – especially for women.
At its core, ambition is the strong desire to achieve. Left unchecked and unregulated, ambition can hurt one’s reputation, damage relationships, and lead to self-destruction. Excessive ambition, whether it’s in a man or a woman, can scare off friends, coworkers, spouses, and managers. There’s a reason why people say: “Don’t let others know of your ambitions.” Therefore, ambition is a quality that has to be carefully cultivated and delicately implemented.
Lacking ambition, however, can also be problematic, especially in Western cultures, because it can be seen as unattractive. A lack of desire to achieve could mean that you’re not focused on improving yourself, or you’re not driven to pursue any goals. Therefore, how someone perceives your ambition can determine whether they like you, respect you, resent you, or fear you.
Author, founder, and managing partner at Navalent Ron Carucci writes in the Havard Business Review that a healthy level of ambition can inspire big thinking, creativity, and innovation. He even has a framework to categorize ambition into three dimensions: performance, growth, and achievement. “Striking a healthy degree of ambition is achieved by developing each dimension equally, while also recognizing the natural tensions between them, as well as between your own desires and the desires of those we lead,” he writes.
A healthy amount of ambition toward achieving your goals and personal growth can come off as attractive – depending on who you are, of course.
In my dating life, speaking too much about my careers or hobbies came off as too ambitious, which many men didn’t seem to like. But when I started thinking about how my ambition comes off to other people, I realized that I’ve experienced this sort of push back in the workplace too, especially when I have asked for a higher title or a promotion. For example, a former boss once reprimanded me for not knowing my place in the organization after I took credit for a project that I spearheaded. Initially, I was shocked by his outburst, but when I later thought about what he said, it was clear that I was showing too much ambition and that made him uncomfortable.
I left the company a few months later.
In an interview, Stephanie Clifford, a New York Times reporter and the author of the book Everybody Rise said that the phrase “ambitious woman” can have a loaded meaning. “If all you hear about a woman is that she’s ambitious, you probably wouldn’t want to hang out with her,” she said.
Are career-driven women attractive?
In our modern times, we see that the media, people, and pop culture celebrate women who have achieved their dreams and career goals. However, when women seek out those opportunities they are seen negatively.
For instance, at one media company I worked for, I was promoted after presenting several documents, a presentation, KPIs, and financial reports that showed how my team’s work and output generated money and growth for the company. When I was given the promotion, I wasn’t given the opportunity to negotiate the salary after I learned that the raise would be only 5%. I went back to my manager and said that I felt that, based on my performance, new work duties, and market rates for my role, 5% wasn’t an adequate raise. I asked for 20% instead. She balked at my response and said I was being “incredibly greedy.”
I didn’t get the 20% raise.
It’s common for women who are seeking career growth, power, money, or influence to be seen in a negative way. And many women who have experienced this pushback internalize it. For example, single female students in an MBA program asked for lower compensation when they knew their male peers were watching them, according to one study that was researching business school students.
Although society says it loves ambitious women, the reality says otherwise. Research shows that after marriage, some men expect their wives to prioritize the marriage over their careers. Conversely, husbands rarely make those same exchanges after marriage. Additionally, some studies found that male bosses who have stay-at-home wives are less likely to promote women in the workplace. Further, women who pursue higher salaries and job titles are less likely to attain them compared to their male counterparts.
So, are career-driven women attractive? The short answer from society appears to be no, unfortunately. For some women, being seen as ambitious is seen as an unattractive quality. There are a lot of assumptions made about women who are deemed too ambitious. They are thought to be too demanding, too masculine, or too aggressive.
On the popular Internet forum website Reddit, one user wrote the following about ambitious women: “I don’t like dating women who are career ambitious and driven. It’s not feminine and they most often make horrible partners. I think most men would rather be with a less educated, more submissive, doting woman than a “liberated,” career-driven woman. Just as women don’t like insecure beta males, men don’t like assertive alpha females. Hundreds of Redditors upvoted the comment.
Johanna Rickne, a professor of economics at Stockholm University specializing in family, labor, and gender economics, published a study in 2020 that found a correlation between women getting promoted to higher positions at companies and getting divorced a few years later. “The results show that a promotion doubles the divorce rate among promoted women compared to those who tried, but failed, to get the promotion,” the paper’s researchers write. And women who become CEOs were twice as likely to be divorced within 3 years’ time after their promotions in contrast to their male peers.
Why are ambitious men so attractive?
Ambition is a quality seen in men and women. In fact, women are just as ambitious as men at the start of their careers, according to a survey by the Boston Consulting Group. However, men’s ambition, especially in the workplace, is celebrated and nurtured whereas women’s ambitions are typically stifled and mitigated.
In a man, ambition can be alluring. It’s exciting and demonstrates passion, desire, grit, and drive. The determination to succeed is attractive in a man because it communicates to others, especially women, that they are able to provide and will therefore be a strong partner – at least economically.
In a 2018 study, economist Raymond Fisman invited 392 single men and women to be a part of a speed-dating event. Between rounds of 4-minute dates, the participants were asked to rate their dates based on three main qualities: attractiveness, intelligence, and ambition. The Columbia University speed-dating study found that men liked women’s intelligence, but only when it matched their own. If a woman’s intelligence or ambition exceeded a man’s, then the woman was deemed undesirable. However, ambition was seen as a desirable quality in men by female participants.
Ambition is a well-liked quality in men. As for women, it’s a more complicated situation. In my experience, when former bosses or men I’ve dated shunned my desires to rise in my career they affected how I speak about my dreams. Over the years, I found myself becoming quieter about my ambitions, not because I don’t have them, but because I don’t want to intimidate or alienate others.
When I stopped talking about my career on dates, I noticed people wanted to keep seeing and dating me. At first, I thought that was a good thing. But over time, I became unhappy because I wasn’t my authentic self. I had to hide my hobbies, passions, and work experiences from them. It was unsustainable. Nowadays, I don’t try to hide who I am. Instead, I seek out people who appreciate me.
Although research shows that ambitious women may not seem attractive on first impressions to some men, there are exceptions. For instance, some of the studies I cited above also mention that when an ambitious woman meets an equally ambitious man, they can forge a successful relationship where they thrive and push each other. Also, men who do not rely on gender norms to dictate their relationships tend to find ambitious women desirable too.
Ultimately, I don’t think smart, ambitious women should hide who they are from the world. Instead, I think they should try to find people who celebrate their great qualities and want to build a better future together. I hope as more women achieve success, ambition won’t be seen as a negative quality in women, but as an admirable one.
